A major earthquake measuring 3.7 on the Richter scale, hit on Tuesday morning at 11:22am. Epicenter: Ulverston, England.

The Quake was also felt in Lancaster in the neighbouring county of Lancashire

News of the disaster was swiftly distributed to all betting offices by the cities 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “What the feck wer that?” and “All Reet, wots goin on?”.

The earthquake decimated large inhabited areas of Morecambe (near Lancaster) causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of Franklin Mint and mementos from both Tenerife and the Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed in the nearby Ryelands Council Estate. Sounds levels reached an almost unbearable peak during the quake when an estimated 14,000 Staffordshire Bull Terriers began barking in synchrony.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Bay Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lancaster.

One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, said, “It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking later when I was watching Jeremy Kyle”. Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the areas to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including child benefit books, CSA claim forms and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, plus bone china from pound stretcher.

Can you help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.
Clothing is needed most of all – especially
* Burberry or Fila baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
* Shell suits (female)
* White sports socks
* any product sold at Primark
* new dog leads suitable for Staffordshire Bull Terriers

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned beans, Netto ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not give anything that needs peeling.
Remember
* 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
* £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy alco pop drink for a family of 9
* £5 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm a child’s nerves.
Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding Lancashire communities.