This world cup is turning into World War II…..

France & Italy have  surrendered early, the Yanks have turned up at the last minute and we’re left to fight fecking the Germans!!

Let’s hope we stuff them 4-2 just like 1966…..for Bobby…..

From: Simon

Date: Monday 19 April 2010 2.19pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Logo Design

Hello James,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days?

I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

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From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 3.52pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment.

Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, James.

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From: Simon
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 4.11pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead.

I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did.

If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

---

From: James Eastwood
Date: Monday 19 April 2010 5.27pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
You are correct and I apologise.

Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original.

Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950’s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve.

Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, James.

---

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 11.07am
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has.

The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

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From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 1.36pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations.

This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my BMX bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel.

Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the pavewment at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report “Cause of accident?”

I stated ‘time travel attempt’ but she wrote down ’stupidity’.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas.

I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon’s the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, James.

---

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.29pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about.

The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year.

When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght.

Ciao.

---

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 3.58pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

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From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.10pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you.

You have to be a fucking smart arse about it.

All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

---

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.25pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience.

For free.

With pie charts. Usually when people don’t ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my house, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living.

Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of “Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that”, this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, James

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From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 4.43pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point?
Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

---

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.02pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

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From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.13pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

---

From: James Eastwood
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.19pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, James

---

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 20 April 2010 5.27pm
To: James Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.

---

This week i found myself in Kendal, watching my lady perform with her vocal talents.

As we were walking out of the venue for a MacDonalds break we were confronted by a smart suited individual.

His polite manner and warm smile seemed to be way out of place hanging around the entrance/exit to Bootleggers, a local music pub.

As we passed him he greeted us and asked if we could spare a minute to hear a very important message about faith and a saviour.

I’d already clicked that these were mormons (LJ’s lot!)  and had already started to prepare an array or retorts to get rid of them quickly.

He asked “Do you know about Jesus Christ?”

My reply….”Of course I do……he’s Gordon Bennet’s nephew isn’t he?”

His reply “Do you not believe in god?”

My reply “No, I don’t put much weight in fiction, I much prefer solid facts such as a scientific view of how the earth was created.”

He must have been a fledgling missionary as he started to falter and stutter a little here….way way before I thought he would have done (shame really as i had a ton of material to fire at him)

He asked me again “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?”

My answer “Sorry…but how can you ask me that whilst keeping a straight face? You’re asking me if I believe that some cosmic jewish zombie can make me live forever if I symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that I accept him as my master, so he can remove an evil force from my soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat an apple from a magical tree”

(He was done for at this point….It’s not sport continuing after a fatal shot)

He picked his jaw up from the floor and asked….”Well….do you know anybody that wants to believe in God?……?”

I said “Jog on mate….that’s your job  isn’t it?”

I left him going through his papers and notes trying to find a reply…..think he’s still there now……

Oh well…

BOAD 1 – MORMONS 0

Part 1: Despair in an arrivals lounge

Saturday 1st August 2009 approximately 12:25am I found myself in the empty arrivals lounge of Manchester International airport. Why I hear you ask was I not in departures? simple this was the only place in the airport with anything open and that was one over price coffee shop and an even more overly priced spar shop. Three hours later and I was still in the brightly lit soulless hanger. Bugger. The rest of the BOAD I can only believe where well and truly honkered at Big A’s engagement party.
I say believe simply because of the evidence of earlier that night. Jim called me up @ 21:58 to wish me the best for my trip a little worse for ware, then the Waa got on the phone and started singling and declaring his un dying love. Skip forward an hour to 22:47 and a drunken TBC calls up asking if I’m coming to the do? by my reckoning there was 13 minute left of it! All in the ……………………….timing eh!.

Anywho around 3am the check-in opens and we’re finally through and into the bars, restaurants and duty free shops. As ever there is a sports car to be won via a £25 pund raffle ticket this time it happens to be a Ferrari. I’m just having a look when the guy selling the tickets (remember its about 4am) comes over all full of sales patter. “So do you want a ticket?” Munka “what insurance group is it?” guy “err 17 I think?” “Na then me corsa’s only group 3″ “That’s ok we give you £6k towards the first years costs” I was asked to step away once I asked if the guy could hold my pint while I went for a test drive!.

Anyway we finally board the plane around 6am
several days before we left I was watching to news and my heart sank when a report said your home is more likely to be broken into if you live in Manchester. I could only surmise that this was due to Mickey’s popping over the motorway on the rob. Imagine my horror then sat on the plane when it becomes clear that our flight is delayed because a passenger has stolen a mobile and has been arrested and her bags need removing from the plane doh as her mates stand on the tarmac pointing out their bags (remember doing this lads!?) my belief in my fellow Man(cs) is restored as they re boarding the aircraft sounding like the less intelligent younger sisters of Stevie G and Jamie Carragher At least with them heading to Zante my house should be safe!!!!

Once we set off I slowly drift away to the trippy tones of Cypress Hill pumping from my mp3 while poor Mrs Munka has to chat to the mad woman stat next to her! I say chat in 3 ½ hours I don’t think she got a word in edge ways. The old battle axe is telling linz how she doesn’t drink at lunch well apart from a couple of beers and maybe a double bacardi priceless. When we land it’s beer o’clock .

Part 2: A guide to dealing with PR staff and looky looky men

Now we all know how annoying it is especially on your first couple of days when every PR on every bar tries to pull you into their particular drinking establishment, it’s also very annoying while your trying to view the hot babe by the pool in stealth mode when the guy tries to sell you Rolax Watches and Reyband sunglasses. So Mrs. Munka came up with a brilliant plan, as the majority of tourist were either Brits or Italians the PR’s would ask if you spoke English Mrs Munka would reply in perfect English that she only spoke North Korean, now North Korea has a population of 23,479,088 people however none of them are allow out to play so it was a safe bet the bemused looking PR’s wouldn’t be able to parlez. There were only a few exceptions to the Rule the Lovely Lauren @ Venue (is anyone surprised really?) and Andy @ Fire Club a lad who reminded me of the Artic Monkey in his ability to chat for ever while throwing and catching a bottle of water but never actually managed to do what he was really there for i.e. get you in buying drinks!

Now one PR guy made a huge error in judgement while trying to sell Linz and I a boat trip around the island. He basically said we’d be able to see a mating pair of dolphins now I’m not sure who was most embarrassed him or Mrs. Munka when I told him animal porn did nothing for me and stomped off !!!!

Part 3: Drinks I’ve had a few but then again to few to mention

Now I’m not going to mention every watering hole I visited but one or two which deserve a mention are the Garyoke bar simply for it use of BOAD terminology and you got all the classics and Oasis bar which served by far and away the best long Island Ice teas and Mojitos on Zante.
Oh venue (Laurens bar) also served the worst sambuca ever it reminded me of HQ.

Part 4: Friday also available in Sober (Sorry out of stock) FNA

Now FNA goes on where ever you are in the world I’d like to write something about what occurred but of course I remember nothing!
One worthy note though. As some off you will know I like to change my facebook profile pic and status update each Friday out of respect for the forthcoming FNA event. The first Friday I logged in to find the following message from Jim

“If your logging on before 16th get yourself back pool side and order another larrrrrrge JD and Coke!”

Made me laugh anyway! And for the record I did just that

Part 5: spent up, packed up fcuked off home

So as ever two weeks just flew by a few thing that deserve a mentioning are:

Final scores

Munka 2 – smokies 8 still not a patch on TBC in Crete about 50 bites was it mate?

Turtles 1 – Dolphins 0 – Zante is a famous breading ground for the swimming tortoises whom I note can breath both on land and under the ocean waves unlike the stupid fish.

A special thanks to the locals who during our stay had a religious festival which involved letting off banger type fire works at 7 in the morning Jebus I thought I’d booked two weeks in Beirut A special award has to go to the cockerel who lived on the farm next to the hotel who wasn’t going to be out done by fire works and crowed even louder good effort mate, I’m assuming he is a distant cousin of those birds that terrorised Hammer a while back? If only I’d had Kenny’s air riffle

Dolphins and cockerel apart it was a belting holiday had a brilliant time now its time to start saving and looking forward to the ski trip 2010

yiamas Munka !